Recorded in Your book

I was reading today in my devotional how everyday was written in God's book. The author was using Psalm 139:16-17 which says "You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God!"
Even the day Kellen passed was written down in His book. When I stop to really think about that I realize how sovereign our God is. Even the day Kellen was conceived and his chromosomes were written were in the book. God knew all. I will not lie and say that God knowing and not intervening never makes me disappointed or even angry... I still wrestle with the "whys?"
But, I know that this was God's plan for Kellen's life and Kellen had a beautiful life.
Yes, Kellen's death seems like a tragedy at times... A baby gone too soon.
But, his life had meaning. His life had purpose. And he is not forgotten.
The day we learned Kellen wasn't well was written in the book too. As well as all the days walking through heartache, anxiety, and fear of the unknown. He had it all written in the book. This was His plan. Kellen's life and death is slowly shaping and molding me into the person God planned me to be. It's difficult and not always pretty but I am a better person because I knew Kellen.
Yesterday was September 11th and I think how that horrific day was recorded in the book too. I think about all the fathers, mothers, sons, daughters, aunts, uncles and grandparents grieving for their loved ones. My heart hurts for them. They are not forgotten.

Scooters

This post was a long time coming ;)

Every year in May Weston volunteers to help with Scooter's Youth Hunting Camp. 

If you haven't heard of Scooter's Youth Hunting Camp its philosophy is "Introducing the Next Generation of Outdoorsmen to the Wilds of Idaho." It is a fantastic camp run by AMAZING people. The camp is totally free for kids ages 9-16. If you have met Wes, you know he has a serious passion for duck/goose hunting and he especially loves sharing that passion with kids.

During the camp there is a silent auction that helps provide funds for the following year. Mostly parents, volunteers and sponsors bid on these items. This year there was a special item up for bid donated in memory of Kellen. Wes and I had no idea this was being donated and were very touched. I know Wes has always imagined taking our kids hunting and teaching them how to blow a duck/goose call and to shoot. This camp is very close to his heart. It was great feeling knowing that Kellen was remembered at this camp, even though he will never attend in person. 

Thank you to the 'Orange Army' and Scott for organizing a fantastic event for our youth! And Thank You to the person who gave in honor of our precious Kellen. It truly meant so much to us!

Check out the camp here -------> Scooter's Youth Hunting Camp

July

Hello, it's been awhile...
July has been a very hard and busy month for me--but also really great and wonderful.

1.) I started back to work full time. I had been part time since February 23 and it was time to get back into it. This was a big deal for me. I have had good days and bad days but I am so grateful for the job I have and the wonderful people I work with. Sometimes I feel like I say or do the wrong thing and I sincerely hope they know I value each and every one of them. I apologize if I am awkward or speak too quickly at times. Please know it is not you, it's me. (And not in a cliche way). I am working on this area.

2.) Fourth of July. We had a BBQ at my parents house and watched fireworks in the street. It was a fun time. I had a little bit of anxiety about this holiday and it's hard to explain. Last year on the fourth of July we watched fireworks at the cemetery (it sits on a hill overlooking our town and the fireworks are beautiful from that point of view) I remember sitting next to Weston's dad and saying "everything is going to be different next year" referring to baby. Little did I know that everything was going to be different... just not in the way I expected.

3.) My handsome nephew was born! Let me introduce you to Owen Samuel Kellen Hill. Did you catch that? How sweet for my sis to name her baby after Kellen. Wes and I were both so touched! He is a perfect, healthy little guy who looks a lot like his dad.
His birth has also brought up some emotions for myself (as I'm sure you can guess). But the bottom line is I am so overjoyed to have a little nephew to cuddle. 

Payton and I had a fun morning waiting for brother to be born. We had breakfast at the park, fed some squirrels, and played on the swings. I asked her what she thought her parents would name her baby brother and she thought for a moment and said "Kellen!" I explained to her that Kellen was Kellen's name and they would probably pick a different name. She was quiet for a few seconds and then said softly, "I wish Kellen was here.... I would push him on the baby swings". "Me too" I said. 

3.) Weston and I had our five year anniversary! Yes, five years! Time has just flown by and there is no one else I would rather be with! One of Weston's friends gifted us with a room at a hotel and we had a wonderful time. So grateful for that time away.

Our engagement photo <3

4.) I went to Jackson Hole, WY for work. Honestly, I was ready for a change of scenery and the training that we received was great. It was nice to leave town for a little while but at the same time hard to be gone... does that make sense?

5.) Six month anniversary of Kellen's birth. July 26. This was a big deal. I think about what he would look like and what milestones he would be reaching if he had been healthy. I wonder how our life would have been different if he was still with us.

6.) Six month anniversary of Kellen's death. July 29. Also my birthday. A lot of conflicting emotions. Nevertheless I felt very loved by all my friends and family. Thank you for making it a good day. 

I have come to realize this past month that I am still just a shell of a person, walking through my life in a daze. I thought six months down the road I would be more okay than I am. Don't get me wrong, some days I am good. I believe things will get better and life will seem brighter but for now I just need to make it through. It won't be this hard forever. I've got a healer on my side.

Resources

I have found many wonderful resources during the last few months. This list will be ongoing so I will be editing as I discover more amazing resources. 

Organizations:

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep: Remembrance photography for parents suffering he loss of a child. 

Sufficient Grace Ministries: A ministry designed to offer hope and encouragement to women dealing with the loss of a child.

Allison's Angel Gowns: Beautiful burial gowns made for infants from wedding dresses. 


Websites and Blogs:

She Brings Joy

All That Love Can Do

Still Standing Magazine


Books (I have read or am currently reading):

A Gift of Time: Continuing Your Pregnancy When Your Baby's Life Is Expected to Be Brief by Amy Kuebelbeck and Debra L. Davis

Waiting With Gabriel by Amy Kuebelbeck

Couple Communication After a Baby Dies by Sherokee Ilse and Tim Nelson

One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie

Angel Unaware by Dale Evans Rogers

Healing, Hope & Wholeness by Ceci Frost


Books (I would like to read): 

Choosing to SEE: A Journey of Struggle and Hope by Mary Beth Chapman and Ellen Vaughn

Gone But Not Lost: Grieving the Death of a Child by David W. Wiersbe

Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg


Projects:

Capture Your Grief by CarlyMarie Project Heal


If you have any suggestions you would like to add please comment below. I will be editing this post from time to time to add more. I hope this is helpful to anyone currently grieving the loss of a child.

Needs

I saw this today and thought I would share. I relate to most of these and I think other grieving mothers can too.

Angel Garden Remembrance Ceremony

On May 16th my lovely friend Christina and the bereavement team at Saint Alphonsus organized a beautiful ceremony for families whose children were gone too soon. I was truly honored to be asked to speak at this heartfelt and healing ceremony. At first I wasn't sure I could share but something inside me said that this is something I need to do... I can do hard things in Kellen's memory. What I shared was very short and I had to read most of it because I wasn't sure I could make it through without crying.

These are the words I shared as well as some of the photos of the butterfly release:

"We are here today to remember and honor the precious lives of our dear children. Even though they are no longer with us we remember them lovingly every day. We cling to the memories we have. They were here and they had a purpose.

Through the great pain of losing them we have also experienced great joy. I have often told my husband I would do it all over again even for the same result and I’m sure you feel the same.

That little bit of time we shared meant the world to me. I never knew I could love that much. That love has given me greater understanding of God’s love for us and for that I am grateful.

Even though my son is no longer with me in person I carry his memory and his legacy in my heart. Our children’s lives are intertwined with ours; even though they are gone they are still a part of us and we are a part of them.

I have learned from my son that love is truly a gift that lasts beyond a lifetime.

Thank You for standing with me today in remembrance of all the precious lives that were gone too soon.

I would also like to give a special thanks to the doctors and staff at Saint Alphonsus for their amazing care and for arranging this beautiful ceremony."

(My niece, Payton)

It was a truly beautiful ceremony and I especially want to thank the thoughtful bereavement team as well as the Cloverdale cemetery. 

Anger in Healing

Healing.
It is not a thing you put on your to-do list and cross off when you've accomplished it - Even though I wish it was. It is a process that takes time... maybe your whole life. One thing I do know is that life is never the same. People have told me that eventually I will find a new "normal" but things never go back to the way they were before. People have also told me that I will have good days and bad days. But right now I feel as if I'm on a roller coaster. I have good moments and bad moments. I am thankful for the good because I desperately need hope. I am thankful for the bad too because the great pain I feel has also caused me the greatest joy.
My Pastor and dear friend told me something before Kellen was born that I have thought about several times over the last few months--"Think of grief as a room in your heart. You have to visit it but you cannot live there." Sometimes I am overwhelmed by my grief and decide to stay in that room a little too long. Sometimes I choose not to visit at all and the grief comes bursting out in another area of my life that I wish it hadn't. Both have consequences.
This past week I lived in that room. I felt lonely and isolated. I was an angry person and it showed. And putting my pride aside, I will admit that I acted like an unreasonable child- you know, the one at the store throwing a fit because they can't have a candy bar. Basically, I wanted everything my way and I didn't want to do anything help myself. I was bitter and said things I wish I hadn't. I didn't want to go anywhere or socialize with anyone.
I would be driving alone in my car and Kellen's death would hit me all over again. It felt like the air had been knocked out of me and I couldn't go on. It was like I was back in that hospital room holding my sweet baby boy in my arms and watching the life leave his tiny body. And I can never erase that from my mind and wake up from this nightmare.... But somehow I make it to my destination and put on a brave face. Sometimes not brave enough, because the people closest to you always know.
Today I feel like I am slowly walking out of the intense anger I felt last week but I still feel the lingering effects of my angry thoughts and actions. I was telling Wes Sunday night about how I shouldn't of said or done certain things and he just looked at me and said "It is all good babe, it is between you and God... nobody else". What an amazing man and husband. That is what I needed to hear. There is freedom knowing I messed up and it is okay. I am forgiven. God has washed it away. What a relief!