Coping vs. Healing

Hello friends and family! I was recently asked to be a guest writer on the "Healing, Hope and Wholeness" blog. My post explores the differences between healing and coping when dealing with a loss. I was very honored to share my heart. The link is below if you'd like to check it out!

http://hhwbook.com/guest-writer-diana-woods-coping-vs-heal…/

Capture Your Grief - Day 1 - Sunrise

Idaho, 7:43AM
It was very cloudy and a little overcast this morning. The sunrise wasn't especially beautiful or breathtaking, but it was pretty in its own way. At first I was disappointed that the sun was blocked by clouds but then I realized that this particular sunrise is a perfect reflection on where I'm at in my healing journey. Hope is starting to shine through the clouds.

'Capture Your Grief'

Hello friends! In honor of October's Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month I have decided to participate in a healing project called 'Capture your grief' by CarlyMarie Project Heal. Basically, it is a 31-day healing project through photos, reflection and story telling. There are 31 subject prompts and individuals are encouraged to post photos and thoughts on social media although it is perfectly fine to keep a private journal as well. CarlyMarie suggests posting on the 'Capture Your Grief' Facebook page or on a personal blog. There are really no rules except to respect what others post and find 'what heals you'. I've decided that I will post as I feel comfortable--some days I may just post a photo while others I might share something a little more personal. If I start to feel overwhelmed I've given myself permission to miss days and not feel guilty. If you would like to join me or
find out more about this project, click Here.

"Healing, Hope & Wholeness"

These are three beautiful words when you are walking your journey of grief. Recently a dear friend of mine wrote an amazing book titled "Healing, Hope & Wholeness". Through this book she courageously shares her journey of finding hope after the loss of her mother. I love how she is honest and open in her healing journey. Even though her loss is different than mine and our stories are very different, I found myself relating to so much of what she wrote in her book. I would like to share a few passages from her book that really impacted and inspired me:

"There are good and bad days-- you have to take them all, whether you want to or not. Because all of them make you stronger, make you thankful, make you rely on the Lord, and make you you. The beginning of healing, hope and wholeness is accepting that you will have multiple ups and downs and to give yourself grace."

"Ultimately, I was grieving the loss of the future. What I once pictured nonchalantly wasn't possible anymore."

"After a heart has been broken, I picture it being in hundreds of puzzle pieces. With every vulnerable moment, healthy reflection, moments of perseverance, verbal processing, some good cries, some acknowledgement, the Lord's healing, and hard decisions,the puzzle pieces of your broken heart start coming together. One by one, your heartbeats become fiercer. One by one, you start to realize that you don't want to survive-- you want to thrive. I don't see the pieces ever running out. There will always be pieces to mend and healing to walk through. But maybe the pieces are getting smaller and your drive is getting greater?"

This last passage really struck some chords in my heart. Maybe I'm not "there" yet but some pieces are starting to fall back into place... It really is a day by day, moment by moment journey. There is so much pain and heartache in this world and I found this book to be a light. She tells her story with hope and grace and I highly recommend it to anyone who has loved and lost.

Check out Ceci's blog or purchase her book at http://hhwbook.com/

Recorded in Your book

I was reading today in my devotional how everyday was written in God's book. The author was using Psalm 139:16-17 which says "You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God!"
Even the day Kellen passed was written down in His book. When I stop to really think about that I realize how sovereign our God is. Even the day Kellen was conceived and his chromosomes were written were in the book. God knew all. I will not lie and say that God knowing and not intervening never makes me disappointed or even angry... I still wrestle with the "whys?"
But, I know that this was God's plan for Kellen's life and Kellen had a beautiful life.
Yes, Kellen's death seems like a tragedy at times... A baby gone too soon.
But, his life had meaning. His life had purpose. And he is not forgotten.
The day we learned Kellen wasn't well was written in the book too. As well as all the days walking through heartache, anxiety, and fear of the unknown. He had it all written in the book. This was His plan. Kellen's life and death is slowly shaping and molding me into the person God planned me to be. It's difficult and not always pretty but I am a better person because I knew Kellen.
Yesterday was September 11th and I think how that horrific day was recorded in the book too. I think about all the fathers, mothers, sons, daughters, aunts, uncles and grandparents grieving for their loved ones. My heart hurts for them. They are not forgotten.

Scooters

This post was a long time coming ;)

Every year in May Weston volunteers to help with Scooter's Youth Hunting Camp. 

If you haven't heard of Scooter's Youth Hunting Camp its philosophy is "Introducing the Next Generation of Outdoorsmen to the Wilds of Idaho." It is a fantastic camp run by AMAZING people. The camp is totally free for kids ages 9-16. If you have met Wes, you know he has a serious passion for duck/goose hunting and he especially loves sharing that passion with kids.

During the camp there is a silent auction that helps provide funds for the following year. Mostly parents, volunteers and sponsors bid on these items. This year there was a special item up for bid donated in memory of Kellen. Wes and I had no idea this was being donated and were very touched. I know Wes has always imagined taking our kids hunting and teaching them how to blow a duck/goose call and to shoot. This camp is very close to his heart. It was great feeling knowing that Kellen was remembered at this camp, even though he will never attend in person. 

Thank you to the 'Orange Army' and Scott for organizing a fantastic event for our youth! And Thank You to the person who gave in honor of our precious Kellen. It truly meant so much to us!

Check out the camp here -------> Scooter's Youth Hunting Camp

July

Hello, it's been awhile...
July has been a very hard and busy month for me--but also really great and wonderful.

1.) I started back to work full time. I had been part time since February 23 and it was time to get back into it. This was a big deal for me. I have had good days and bad days but I am so grateful for the job I have and the wonderful people I work with. Sometimes I feel like I say or do the wrong thing and I sincerely hope they know I value each and every one of them. I apologize if I am awkward or speak too quickly at times. Please know it is not you, it's me. (And not in a cliche way). I am working on this area.

2.) Fourth of July. We had a BBQ at my parents house and watched fireworks in the street. It was a fun time. I had a little bit of anxiety about this holiday and it's hard to explain. Last year on the fourth of July we watched fireworks at the cemetery (it sits on a hill overlooking our town and the fireworks are beautiful from that point of view) I remember sitting next to Weston's dad and saying "everything is going to be different next year" referring to baby. Little did I know that everything was going to be different... just not in the way I expected.

3.) My handsome nephew was born! Let me introduce you to Owen Samuel Kellen Hill. Did you catch that? How sweet for my sis to name her baby after Kellen. Wes and I were both so touched! He is a perfect, healthy little guy who looks a lot like his dad.
His birth has also brought up some emotions for myself (as I'm sure you can guess). But the bottom line is I am so overjoyed to have a little nephew to cuddle. 

Payton and I had a fun morning waiting for brother to be born. We had breakfast at the park, fed some squirrels, and played on the swings. I asked her what she thought her parents would name her baby brother and she thought for a moment and said "Kellen!" I explained to her that Kellen was Kellen's name and they would probably pick a different name. She was quiet for a few seconds and then said softly, "I wish Kellen was here.... I would push him on the baby swings". "Me too" I said. 

3.) Weston and I had our five year anniversary! Yes, five years! Time has just flown by and there is no one else I would rather be with! One of Weston's friends gifted us with a room at a hotel and we had a wonderful time. So grateful for that time away.

Our engagement photo <3

4.) I went to Jackson Hole, WY for work. Honestly, I was ready for a change of scenery and the training that we received was great. It was nice to leave town for a little while but at the same time hard to be gone... does that make sense?

5.) Six month anniversary of Kellen's birth. July 26. This was a big deal. I think about what he would look like and what milestones he would be reaching if he had been healthy. I wonder how our life would have been different if he was still with us.

6.) Six month anniversary of Kellen's death. July 29. Also my birthday. A lot of conflicting emotions. Nevertheless I felt very loved by all my friends and family. Thank you for making it a good day. 

I have come to realize this past month that I am still just a shell of a person, walking through my life in a daze. I thought six months down the road I would be more okay than I am. Don't get me wrong, some days I am good. I believe things will get better and life will seem brighter but for now I just need to make it through. It won't be this hard forever. I've got a healer on my side.