Birth Story

Sunday night I could hardly sleep knowing that we would be meeting Kellen the next day. As Wes and I were talking about the conflicting emotions Wes came up with the word ‘scare-cited’. We were scared and excited. Monday morning I laid in bed for quite a while feeling my sweet boy move and kick. It was our morning routine. I finally got up and showered. I remember looking down at my belly knowing this was the last day and the last shower Kellen would spend inside of me. I cried. I actually cried most of the morning while getting ready. Wes made eggs and toast for breakfast. We prayed for Kellen to live and be healed. And we prayed for God’s will.

The drive over was good. I remember looking out the window at the dark sky and feeling apprehensive but I had a strange peace.

When we arrived at the hospital we got shown to the delivery room and I changed into a gown. Nicole was our nurse and she explained what was going to happen. I got hooked up to the monitors and Kellen’s heart rate was 160 at that time. Dr. Z came in and gave me a pill to start contractions. I never really felt any really strong contractions. At about 9am Kellen’s heart rate dipped down to 80. This scared us quite a bit. Dr. Z said she did not feel he would survive labor and recommended a C-section if we wanted going to see Kellen alive. We had originally planned to do a C-section if this circumstance arose but I just didn't think it would be so soon. Wes and I felt very indecisive. On one hand we felt that God would pull Kellen through the delivery so we should leave it in his hands. But, on the other hand we wanted to give Kellen every chance possible and maybe God's will was surgery. We prayed and felt so lost. I was scared. I was scared for my baby and I was scared for surgery. 

In the end we chose C-section and I know we made the right choice. 

The surgery was scheduled for 2pm. The anesthesiologist came in talked to us about what was going to happen and get some general information from me. I would have a spinal which would numb me from my torso and down.

Things happened pretty quickly after that. Nicole got me prepped for surgery and Wes put on a ‘bunny suit’. Bonnie and Kelly (my other delivery nurses) came in and put me in a wheel chair to go to the OR. For the first 10-15 minutes Wes couldn't be with me and I was very scared. First, the anesthesiologist started the tap. The table I was to lay on was high and I had to use a stepstool to get up. I sat down on the edge and Nicole held both of my hands to get ready for the spinal. At first it was prick, then a pinch. But really not too bad. Then they laid me down on the table and I could feel myself starting to numb. At this point it seemed like there were quite a few people in the room. I remember looking up at the ceiling wondering if I could do this and then thinking 'well it’s too late to back out now'. I must of looked like a wreck. I started crying and praying and Nicole and the anesthesiologist held my hand. I was so grateful for them. Soon Wes came in and held my hand. I was SO glad to have him back with me. 

Then they put up a blue sheet right under my chest so it blocked off what was going on. Having Wes with me and the sheet being put up really helped me to calm down. Then Dr. Z started the procedure. I remember praying and looking into Wes’ eyes. Pretty soon someone said to Wes, 'look over if you want to see your son being born' and he did. I wondered what he was he seeing. He looked back down at me and said he has a lot of hair. I just smiled. Then he said he has big feet. All of the sudden Kellen was placed on my chest and I saw his cute little face for the first time. I held his head and stroked his cheek. I examined his perfect little hands. 

I was so overwhelmed with love. 

He was so perfect! 

  

After that I didn't care about the rest of the surgery and pretty soon they said they were done. 

I didn't realize I could love someone so much so fast. 

They took Kellen over to the warmer and weighed him and clean him up a bit.

I was taken to the recovery room and they placed Kellen back on my chest. I was so proud. I just held him and looked at him. I could barely take my eyes off of him.

Kellen was a true fighter with real strength. I was told that his apgar score was 1 when he was born, then 2, then 3, then up to a 6. What a miracle!

Our precious Kellen was born on 01/26/2015 at 2:26pm. 

He weighed 4lbs 9oz and was 17in long.

Missing You

I Thought Of You With Love Today

I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new

I thought about you yesterday and days before that too,

I think of you in silence, I often speak your name

All I have are memories and your picture in a frame

Your memory is my keepsake with which I’ll never part

God has you in his keeping, I have you in my heart.
-Unknown

Kellen's Mission

I recently read a book called "Angel Unaware" written by Dale Evans Rogers that we received from Weston's Aunt Joanne. When I originally skimmed the book I had to put it down because I was not quite ready emotionally. The story is similar to ours in some ways but what makes it unique is that it was written from the baby's point of view. It was a very emotional read but it gave me a different perspective. I have known all along that Kellen had a mission and a purpose for his life, but thinking about what he may have thought was really neat. At one point the baby says to God in heaven
"I could have told them this, too, was part of the Plan. But they couldn't know that. They didn't realize You provide certain conditions in order to accomplish some wonderful purpose. A lot of them Down There don't understand yet, Father, that You always have a blessing in mind, in everything you plan."
Hearing these words from this perspective gave me a lot to think about. I struggle in my flesh wanting to understand why this happened. Why my son? I want Kellen with me. But, Kellen had a mission and he completed it in just three days! Even though I am heartbroken without him in my arms, I rejoice that he is home in heaven with no pain. I look at his picture and see his cute little smile and it makes my heart overflow with love. I never knew I could love someone so much. I may never know the reason why and I may never know the details of his mission until I get to heaven but I can see the ongoing impact his life has made on me and those around me. What a privilege it is that I was chosen to be his mother.

A Sweet Memory

These pictures are so dear to me.
We weren't sure if Kellen was going to be able to suck or swallow, but he could! Thank you God!
Kris (one of our AMAZING nurses) helped us use a tube and syringe to help him learn how to suck. I had the tube on my pinkie and every time he sucked Kris or Wes pushed a little milk from the syringe into his mouth. The picture on the right is when he really sucked for the first time. This was such a joyful moment and I was so proud of my smart little guy.

Thank You

I wish there were words to express the gratitude Wes and I feel toward everyone who is supporting and praying for us during this journey. We are so blessed to have family, friends and a community like you!
Though nothing can take away the ache we feel in our hearts without Kellen with us, we are touched and have hope thanks to all the loving, caring people we have on our side. Even the small things have meant so much--- a card in the mail, a text, an understanding word. It all means so much to me and has seemed to come when I have needed it most.
Thank You from the bottom of my heart.
I didn't realize how many people his life had touched and I am so amazed and proud. Kellen has made his mark on this world.
Someone told me there were over 180 people at the celebration. Wow! I can't help but be joyful when I think of how many people cared and loved him!

One Day at a Time

Everyday is hard.
Before I held my sweet Kellen and looked at his perfect face I never could of imagined the intense love and connection I felt with him. It was instant. Even though I knew beforehand that our time together may be short, nothing could have prepared me for saying goodbye (for now). 
No amount of time would ever be enough. 
Now I am left with a sick, sinking feeling in my stomach and an empty, aching feeling in my chest where my heart used to be. 
I feel so many emotions--numbness, anger, intense sorrow, emptiness, confusion and sometimes... joy. 
Yes, sometimes even joy. I know that Kellen is safe and loved in the arms of Jesus and there is no better place for him to be. I know that God is working all things together for good and I can cling to that. God is still a loving God and He hasn't forsaken me.  
I am proud to see how many lives were touched by Kellen's precious life. It brings me joy to hear others speak his name. He is so loved. His legacy still lives on here on earth through me... And through the people his life touched.
But I still ache for Kellen to be with me and I wonder to God why his time was so short. 

This song is able to put into words what I cannot:

 "You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times

And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again"

-Homesick by MercyMe

Kellen's Celebration Slideshow

This slideshow was created to honor Kellen's beautiful life and was played at his celebration. He is missed deeply and loved oh so much.