Sunday night I could hardly sleep knowing that we would be
meeting Kellen the next day. As Wes and I were talking about the conflicting
emotions Wes came up with the word ‘scare-cited’. We were scared and excited.
Monday morning I laid in bed for quite a while feeling my sweet boy move and kick. It
was our morning routine. I finally got up and showered. I remember looking down
at my belly knowing this was the last day and the last shower Kellen would
spend inside of me. I cried. I actually cried most of the morning while getting
ready. Wes made eggs and toast for breakfast. We prayed for Kellen to live and be healed. And we
prayed for God’s will.
The drive over was good. I remember looking out the window at the dark sky and
feeling apprehensive but I had a strange peace.
When we arrived at the hospital we got shown to the delivery
room and I changed into a gown. Nicole was our nurse and she explained what was going to happen.
I got hooked up to the monitors and Kellen’s heart rate was 160 at that time.
Dr. Z came in and gave me a pill to start contractions. I never really felt any really strong contractions. At about 9am Kellen’s heart rate dipped down to 80. This scared us quite a bit. Dr. Z said
she did not feel he would survive labor and recommended a C-section if we wanted going to see Kellen alive. We had originally planned to do a C-section if this
circumstance arose but I just didn't think it would be so soon. Wes and I
felt very indecisive. On one hand we felt that God would pull Kellen through
the delivery so we should leave it in his hands. But, on the other hand we
wanted to give Kellen every chance possible and maybe God's will was surgery. We prayed and felt so lost. I
was scared. I was scared for my baby and I was scared for surgery.
In the end
we chose C-section and I know we made the right choice.
The surgery
was scheduled for 2pm. The anesthesiologist came in
talked to us about what was going to happen and get some general information
from me. I would have a spinal which would numb me from my torso and down.
Things happened pretty quickly after that.
Nicole got me prepped for surgery and Wes put on a ‘bunny suit’. Bonnie and
Kelly (my other delivery nurses) came in and put me in a wheel chair to go to
the OR. For the first 10-15 minutes Wes couldn't be with me and I was very scared. First, the anesthesiologist started the tap. The table I was to lay on
was high and I had to use a stepstool to get up. I sat down on the
edge and Nicole held both of my hands to get ready for the spinal. At first it was prick, then a pinch. But really not too bad. Then they laid me
down on the table and I could feel myself starting to numb. At this point it seemed
like there were quite a few people in the room. I remember looking up at the ceiling
wondering if I could do this and then thinking 'well it’s too late to back out
now'. I must of looked like a wreck. I started crying and praying and Nicole and the anesthesiologist held my hand. I was so
grateful for them. Soon Wes came in
and held my hand. I was SO glad to have him back with me.
Then they put up a blue sheet right
under my chest so it blocked off what was going on. Having Wes with me and the
sheet being put up really helped me to calm down. Then Dr. Z started the
procedure. I remember praying and looking into Wes’ eyes. Pretty soon someone said to Wes, 'look over if you want to see your son
being born' and he did. I wondered what he was he seeing. He looked back down at
me and said he has a lot of hair. I just smiled. Then he said he has big feet. All
of the sudden Kellen was placed on my chest and I saw his cute little face for the
first time. I held his head and stroked his cheek. I examined his perfect
little hands.
I was so overwhelmed with love.
He was so perfect!
After that I didn't care about the rest of the surgery and pretty soon they said they were done.
I didn't realize I could love someone so much so fast.
They took Kellen over to the warmer and weighed him and clean him up a bit.
I was taken to the recovery room and they placed
Kellen back on my chest. I was so proud. I just held him and looked at him. I
could barely take my eyes off of him.
Kellen was a true fighter with real strength. I was told that his apgar score was 1 when he was
born, then 2, then 3, then up to a 6. What a miracle!
Our precious Kellen was born on 01/26/2015 at 2:26pm.
He weighed 4lbs 9oz and was 17in long.
A friend gave me a devotional called "The One Year Book of Hope" By Nancy Guthrie shortly after Kellen had passed. This book has daily one-page devotionals that have helped me tremendously. If you are experiencing any kind of loss in your life I recommend this book. It has helped me to keep the lines of communication open with God. In my human-ness I sometimes feel upset and angry because He didn't save Kellen.
