Anger in Healing

Healing.
It is not a thing you put on your to-do list and cross off when you've accomplished it - Even though I wish it was. It is a process that takes time... maybe your whole life. One thing I do know is that life is never the same. People have told me that eventually I will find a new "normal" but things never go back to the way they were before. People have also told me that I will have good days and bad days. But right now I feel as if I'm on a roller coaster. I have good moments and bad moments. I am thankful for the good because I desperately need hope. I am thankful for the bad too because the great pain I feel has also caused me the greatest joy.
My Pastor and dear friend told me something before Kellen was born that I have thought about several times over the last few months--"Think of grief as a room in your heart. You have to visit it but you cannot live there." Sometimes I am overwhelmed by my grief and decide to stay in that room a little too long. Sometimes I choose not to visit at all and the grief comes bursting out in another area of my life that I wish it hadn't. Both have consequences.
This past week I lived in that room. I felt lonely and isolated. I was an angry person and it showed. And putting my pride aside, I will admit that I acted like an unreasonable child- you know, the one at the store throwing a fit because they can't have a candy bar. Basically, I wanted everything my way and I didn't want to do anything help myself. I was bitter and said things I wish I hadn't. I didn't want to go anywhere or socialize with anyone.
I would be driving alone in my car and Kellen's death would hit me all over again. It felt like the air had been knocked out of me and I couldn't go on. It was like I was back in that hospital room holding my sweet baby boy in my arms and watching the life leave his tiny body. And I can never erase that from my mind and wake up from this nightmare.... But somehow I make it to my destination and put on a brave face. Sometimes not brave enough, because the people closest to you always know.
Today I feel like I am slowly walking out of the intense anger I felt last week but I still feel the lingering effects of my angry thoughts and actions. I was telling Wes Sunday night about how I shouldn't of said or done certain things and he just looked at me and said "It is all good babe, it is between you and God... nobody else". What an amazing man and husband. That is what I needed to hear. There is freedom knowing I messed up and it is okay. I am forgiven. God has washed it away. What a relief!

Dear Stranger

Dear Stranger,

Thank You. Thank you for this precious gift that I will hold dear to my heart forever. Words cannot express what it means to me. Simply, thank you.

Love,

Diana

And I know my wonderful mom had a hand in this too, Thank you! I love you!

This is Kellen's actual footprint miniaturized and made into necklace. This is so amazing!

Mother's Day

I would like to share a post my amazing husband wrote on Facebook. I am so blessed to have such a loving husband. 

"I would like to wish my amazing wife a Happy Mother's Day, although it doesn't seem very happy because Kellen's time with us was so short, I find joy that you were and are an awesome mom to our son! Love. We wonder everyday what our lives would be like with Kellen here, it hurts to think about that, while at the same time bringing joy that we know where Kellen is. Faith. Some days we feel like we can't make it, by the way, I do too, I know that we can make it, and on those days that I feel like I can't, I hold to the hope of things not seen. Hope. You have given me the two most precious things that I have on this earth, yourself and Kellen. I thank God everyday that I am blessed to have you here with me, not only through this time of trial, grief, sorrow, and pain, but throughout my life. Kindness. I can still remember in the delivery room how scared I was that I might lose you. During that time I didn't care if I got to meet Kellen alive, as long as you were safe. I remember the relief and overwhelming joy I felt when I saw Kellen for the first time, not only had we brought a baby into this world, you were safe and Kellen was here, alive! I do wish every day, every hour, every minute, every second that Kellen was still here with us, but I know we will meet again someday. Until then I get to hangout, love on, pester, tease, cherish, and provide for an amazing young lady that Kellen calls mom. You are still a mom! I love you!"

Direction

Lately I have been thinking of the direction of this blog. I started this blog to celebrate and honor Kellen's life and now that he is no longer with us here on Earth I can't help but wonder what direction this blog should take. I don't want to post selfishly about myself or let this blog become venting for my grief. Although writing is a great outlet for grief, I want Kellen's life to inspire and uplift. As I was thinking about this yesterday God gave me a new way of thinking and it was this: Kellen's life and my life are intertwined... he is a part of me and I am a part of  him. Sharing my life and the lives of those who loved Kellen is sharing a part of him. We are part of his legacy.

Wrestling with Trust

A friend gave me a devotional called "The One Year Book of Hope" By Nancy Guthrie shortly after Kellen had passed. This book has daily one-page devotionals that have helped me tremendously. If you are experiencing any kind of loss in your life I recommend this book. It has helped me to keep the lines of communication open with God. In my human-ness I sometimes feel upset and angry because He didn't save Kellen.
Nancy writes in her book "Is it realistic to think that you and I can worship God, not after we've figured it all out, but as our initial reaction to loss in our lives? Job shows us it is. Worshiping God does not require that we understand or approve of what God has allowed into our lives; it simply requires a heart that desires to trust God and a will that is bent toward obedience to God regardless of our feelings."
Let that sink in. I did. For a couple days actually. I can still praise God because He has it all together. Even if I didn't like the outcome, He is still good. He still has a plan. I can still trust God in my brokenness, even if I don't understand.

Headstone

Kellen's headstone has arrived. I know it may seem strange but this was very exciting for me. Giving Kellen a beautiful headstone was one thing I could still do for him. Wes and I put a lot of thought into the stone and it turned out better than we could of imagined. It is perfect. 

Last week my sister, niece and I happened to be driving past the cemetery and my niece (who is four years old) pointed out the window and said to my sister "That's where Kellen's statue is, right Mom?" I'm not exactly sure why but this meant a lot to me. Maybe hearing her mention Kellen in our day to day conversation struck a chord in my heart. Even though he is gone he is still in our hearts.

Easter

People had told me that holidays (especially the first year of holidays) are really tough. For some reason I didn't really think this applied to Easter. Maybe because everyday is hard without Kellen and I constantly feel the emptiness inside of me.What I didn't think about was the commercialized part of Easter-- it's all about little kids in cute clothes hunting for eggs. It was difficult to see my niece and my friends' kids. I had to stay off of Facebook so I could make it through the day. I honestly love seeing all my friends' and families' kids but yesterday it was just too much. It's not that I'm jealous or upset that you are enjoying your family, it's just that I miss Kellen. I wonder what our lives would be like and what we would be doing if he was still here.
Easter is a celebration and even though I am walking on this path of grief I am still so overwhelmed by Jesus' saving grace. I am humbled that He would come to save me. Thank you Lord for sending your Son! Happy Resurrection Day everyone!