Goodbye 2015

Christmas

Praise the Lord! A savior named Jesus was born to save the world! 

Christmas is a time of rejoicing the birth of the glorious Redeemer. This is truly something worth celebrating! Because Christmas is usually a time when families gather together to share special meals and give gifts to one another, I think a loved ones' absence can be greater felt. I usually love Christmastime but this year it seems that around every corner hides a reminder that Kellen is no longer here with me. (Not that I had forgotten).  It is like I have been going through the motions, trying to get in the 'holiday spirit' but I honestly just don't feel it this year. For me, this holiday season has been stressful and full of anxiety and no matter how hard I try I cannot seem to shake this empty feeling in my chest. Please don't get me wrong though, I have truly enjoyed spending time with my family and friends. It's just a different kind of Christmas this year.

I participated in a Christmas program earlier this month which was out of my comfort zone but I got to know some amazing people and will cherish the memories forever. The script was fantastic and the choir was beautiful. I pray that all who came were blessed. 

Thank You God for sending Your Son, for that is the true meaning of Christmas. 

 

Kellen's Ornaments

Since Weston and I got married we have always purchased (or made) a special ornament that had the year on it. In 2014 I made the ornament on the left and this year I made the one on the right.

New Tradition

A couple months ago I decided that Weston and I would start a new family tradition at Christmastime. We would give a gift to a child in need who would be around the same age as Kellen.

I am finding that the holidays can be a very difficult time when you are missing someone you love and as I was shopping in the toy department I felt that familiar sting of emptiness. Each toy I saw reminded of Kellen's absence.

So... 

I pretended for just a moment that I was shopping for a boy waiting for me at home. Perhaps he was with his daddy for the evening while I went to do some shopping. After I was done I would hurry home to get him to bed. After he had been given a bath and an appropriate amount of snuggling had been given I would read him a story and rock him to sleep. I would kiss him goodnight and then Wes and I would go quietly out to the living room and wrap his gifts... 

Okay. I know parenthood is not easy and not always fun but there is nothing I wouldn't give to be able to raise my child and see the curiosity and wonderment in his eyes...

I finished picking out a few toys, wiped a tear and came back to reality. 

My hope in doing this is that Kellen's memory can bring joy to others during the Christmas season. And it does my soul good to honor Kellen in this way.

Love and Blessings,

Diana

Christmas Tree

This year Weston and I tried something new. We cut down our own Christmas tree. This was a new adventure for us because although we always have a real tree we typically buy one at a store in town. We have always talked about cutting down our own tree but this year we actually did it. We had a fun time hanging out together and picking out the perfect tree. The only thing that could have made our day any better was if we had a little 11 month old boy with us. The weather was perfect and the views were beautiful. Check it out!

After we got home and trimmed the tree, I used the branches we cut to make a wreath to display at Kellen's grave.

Thankful

On a day when I don't feel grateful, thankful or cheery I will choose to see the good. Instead of laying in bed and covering up my head I will go out and see family and friends. I will survive- even if I'm just going through the motions. Maybe I sound a little dramatic but I want to be honest with you.

At times I am too blinded by the massive hole in my heart to recognize the joy of being alive. There is a constant emptiness where a little boy should be. Kellen would be 10 months old today if he was still with us and he would also be celebrating his first Thanksgiving. He is missing out on whole day of firsts- and so am I. I don't want to be bitter, I don't even want to be sad but today I feel the overwhelming emptiness more than ever. 

I have plenty to be thankful for. I really, truly do. I need to take a moment and recognize these things.

-God's never ending love and mercy

-An amazing, compassionate husband

-Loving family and wonderful friends

-New job

-A house to live in

-Food to eat

And to Kellen- I am so grateful that I got know you. I would rather live with the pain of losing you than to have never known you at all. I would never trade our time together to rid myself of the lifetime of heart break. I will remember the joy of seeing your tiny fingers and toes. I will remember hearing your soft cry for the first time. I will cherish the memories of each stroke of your cheek and every lullaby. I am grateful and honored I have the chance to love you for the rest of my life. 

For everyone out there missing someone special at the dinner table I want to encourage you and let you know you are not alone. You don't have to be happy but there can be joy in the midst of pain- We just have to choose to see it. Be nice to yourself today. Love and blessings to you all.

Capture Your Grief - Day 31 - Sunset

The last day of this project ends with a sunset. This past month has been a healing time of remembering for me.
Love you always Kellen. No matter where you are my love will find you.