Mason

Hello! It's been awhile since I last posted and a lot has been going on. The first part of this post is something I wrote for the blog last year but never shared...

05/06/2016

Last week Weston and I found out we are expecting again. Ahhhh!  I have so many emotions! Excited, anxious, scared, overjoyed, guilty, expectant. So many things all at the same time! We weren't exactly trying but we weren't preventing either so I was a little surprised when I saw two little lines appear on the test.

Kellen occupies a lot of my thoughts and it scares me that suddenly I have another baby to think about - It's surreal to think that we might have another baby soon. This baby is SUCH a blessing and we are praying fiercely that he/she is strong and healthy. There is so much anxiety for me this time - I could really use prayer. 

Last year someone told me that we (her and I) had lost our innocence in pregnancy. Meaning we would never have the carefree, joyous attitude that other expectant mothers have and I believe her now more than ever! But despite how I feel I trust God and believe that He has a perfect plan for Kellen's little sibling.

We have told family and a few friends but have tried to keep it quiet as I am only around 6 weeks along...

Then a few months later...
08/12/2016

...Fast forward to 12/28/2016
Introducing Mason Oliver Wood
Born at 7:14pm
7lbs 4oz, 20.5 in.
Successful VBAC
We are so in love!

And now, 02/15/2017
Weston and I feel so extremely blessed to have two boys... One here with us and one in heaven...

Creativity

A little creativity does the soul good.

One Year Reflections and Ramblings

Kellen's Birthday Flowers

January was a rough month. The mental and emotional strain of Kellen's first Birthday ((and death day)) was taxing. I thought about how it should have been a joyous time had he been healthy and full of life. I thought about all the couldas, shouldas, and wouldas. I thought about the milestones he is not reaching and that he will never reach. I thought about how empty life can seem. I have not been positive or even remotely inspiring or fun to be around.

I just read the above paragraph and realized how depressing I sound.
Sorry. (Raising hand) Pity party of one.
But instead of deleting it I am going to leave it. I do not want you to get the impression I am something more than I am.  I want to be real and honest. I haven't written lately because I didn't feel I had anything worthwhile to say. No guarantees this is going to be either but thanks for sticking with me anyways ;)
October/November of last year I started feeling hopeful again so why oh why did January have to come in like a gray, winter storm and ruin everything? The whole month I merely existed and tried not to get too involved in anything. It's like the energy had been sucked out of me like a vacuum picking up every last speck of dirt.

On a somewhat brighter note, when the day of Kellen's birthday finally came Weston and I survived the day well. We ended up doing something we had never done before. Well, something I had never done before and that he has only done a handful of times. We took an archery lesson and had a blast! On a day that could have been very depressing we had a great time hanging out with each other. Later in the evening we had dinner with our families and enjoyed each others companies. As the day drew to a close I realized I had more anxiety approaching his birthday than when the day actually came.

On the 29th, I spent time looking over all the photos we have and did some praying, crying and journaling. Later in the day we released balloons.... Watching the balloons float upwards took me back to Kellen's final moments... How great for him to leave his suffering and enter into God's eternal glory. He's free. He's no longer in pain. But for me left behind with empty arms the heartache continues. As I continued to stand there watching the balloons get smaller and smaller I felt a peace deep inside knowing I would see Kellen again.

This past year I've been knocked off my feet and I just haven't seemed to find my place yet. It's hard to believe it has really been this long... sometimes it feels like it was just last month. Then again, sometimes it feels like years.

*My advise to anyone approaching a grief anniversary is to make a plan. Know what you are going to do and who you are going to be with. And don't spend the whole day alone. *

February has now come and I feel like perhaps the fogginess of my depression is starting to lift. Not totally but I see some hope around the corner. Praise the Lord for his compassion towards me! I have been undeserving...

So it's one year later and am I okay? Maybe. Perhaps on some days. Is that okay? Is it okay not to be okay - even one year later?

Goodbye 2015

Christmas

Praise the Lord! A savior named Jesus was born to save the world! 

Christmas is a time of rejoicing the birth of the glorious Redeemer. This is truly something worth celebrating! Because Christmas is usually a time when families gather together to share special meals and give gifts to one another, I think a loved ones' absence can be greater felt. I usually love Christmastime but this year it seems that around every corner hides a reminder that Kellen is no longer here with me. (Not that I had forgotten).  It is like I have been going through the motions, trying to get in the 'holiday spirit' but I honestly just don't feel it this year. For me, this holiday season has been stressful and full of anxiety and no matter how hard I try I cannot seem to shake this empty feeling in my chest. Please don't get me wrong though, I have truly enjoyed spending time with my family and friends. It's just a different kind of Christmas this year.

I participated in a Christmas program earlier this month which was out of my comfort zone but I got to know some amazing people and will cherish the memories forever. The script was fantastic and the choir was beautiful. I pray that all who came were blessed. 

Thank You God for sending Your Son, for that is the true meaning of Christmas. 

 

Kellen's Ornaments

Since Weston and I got married we have always purchased (or made) a special ornament that had the year on it. In 2014 I made the ornament on the left and this year I made the one on the right.

New Tradition

A couple months ago I decided that Weston and I would start a new family tradition at Christmastime. We would give a gift to a child in need who would be around the same age as Kellen.

I am finding that the holidays can be a very difficult time when you are missing someone you love and as I was shopping in the toy department I felt that familiar sting of emptiness. Each toy I saw reminded of Kellen's absence.

So... 

I pretended for just a moment that I was shopping for a boy waiting for me at home. Perhaps he was with his daddy for the evening while I went to do some shopping. After I was done I would hurry home to get him to bed. After he had been given a bath and an appropriate amount of snuggling had been given I would read him a story and rock him to sleep. I would kiss him goodnight and then Wes and I would go quietly out to the living room and wrap his gifts... 

Okay. I know parenthood is not easy and not always fun but there is nothing I wouldn't give to be able to raise my child and see the curiosity and wonderment in his eyes...

I finished picking out a few toys, wiped a tear and came back to reality. 

My hope in doing this is that Kellen's memory can bring joy to others during the Christmas season. And it does my soul good to honor Kellen in this way.

Love and Blessings,

Diana