July

Hello, it's been awhile...
July has been a very hard and busy month for me--but also really great and wonderful.

1.) I started back to work full time. I had been part time since February 23 and it was time to get back into it. This was a big deal for me. I have had good days and bad days but I am so grateful for the job I have and the wonderful people I work with. Sometimes I feel like I say or do the wrong thing and I sincerely hope they know I value each and every one of them. I apologize if I am awkward or speak too quickly at times. Please know it is not you, it's me. (And not in a cliche way). I am working on this area.

2.) Fourth of July. We had a BBQ at my parents house and watched fireworks in the street. It was a fun time. I had a little bit of anxiety about this holiday and it's hard to explain. Last year on the fourth of July we watched fireworks at the cemetery (it sits on a hill overlooking our town and the fireworks are beautiful from that point of view) I remember sitting next to Weston's dad and saying "everything is going to be different next year" referring to baby. Little did I know that everything was going to be different... just not in the way I expected.

3.) My handsome nephew was born! Let me introduce you to Owen Samuel Kellen Hill. Did you catch that? How sweet for my sis to name her baby after Kellen. Wes and I were both so touched! He is a perfect, healthy little guy who looks a lot like his dad.
His birth has also brought up some emotions for myself (as I'm sure you can guess). But the bottom line is I am so overjoyed to have a little nephew to cuddle. 

Payton and I had a fun morning waiting for brother to be born. We had breakfast at the park, fed some squirrels, and played on the swings. I asked her what she thought her parents would name her baby brother and she thought for a moment and said "Kellen!" I explained to her that Kellen was Kellen's name and they would probably pick a different name. She was quiet for a few seconds and then said softly, "I wish Kellen was here.... I would push him on the baby swings". "Me too" I said. 

3.) Weston and I had our five year anniversary! Yes, five years! Time has just flown by and there is no one else I would rather be with! One of Weston's friends gifted us with a room at a hotel and we had a wonderful time. So grateful for that time away.

Our engagement photo <3

4.) I went to Jackson Hole, WY for work. Honestly, I was ready for a change of scenery and the training that we received was great. It was nice to leave town for a little while but at the same time hard to be gone... does that make sense?

5.) Six month anniversary of Kellen's birth. July 26. This was a big deal. I think about what he would look like and what milestones he would be reaching if he had been healthy. I wonder how our life would have been different if he was still with us.

6.) Six month anniversary of Kellen's death. July 29. Also my birthday. A lot of conflicting emotions. Nevertheless I felt very loved by all my friends and family. Thank you for making it a good day. 

I have come to realize this past month that I am still just a shell of a person, walking through my life in a daze. I thought six months down the road I would be more okay than I am. Don't get me wrong, some days I am good. I believe things will get better and life will seem brighter but for now I just need to make it through. It won't be this hard forever. I've got a healer on my side.