Capture Your Grief - Day 23 - Love Letters

Rewind to November 2014. I knew Kellen's diagnosis and had decided to start writing letters to him. I wanted to remember all our time together. I bought a nice journal on a busy shopping day and dubbed it my 'Kellen journal'. I began writing down all the memories we made together. I wrote about my hopes and dreams for the future. After his birth and death I continued writing to him. In my journal I tell him all the things I never got a chance to...

Capture Your Grief - Day 21 - Sacred Space

In our home a beautiful portrait of our sweet boy hangs prominently. The funeral home gifted us this lovely portrait of Kellen to have placed by the casket during his celebration. Afterwards I couldn't decide where to hang it. I finally chose the perfect spot - a corner in our living room right by the window. Later, I decided to hang shelf underneath so I could place mementos. I call this 'Kellen's Place'. He will never need his own room but he will always be a member of our family. This sacred space is an outward expression of the place he holds in our hearts.

Capture Your Grief - Day 19 - Music

Capture Your Grief - Day 17 - Secondary Losses

When Kellen died I didn't just lose a baby- I lost a bright eyed toddler learning to walk - I lost a little boy with messy hair on his first day of school - I lost a teenager learning to be independent - I lost a young man on his graduation day - I lost a man on his wedding day - I lost a daughter-in-law and grandchildren - I lost a future with my son.

I experienced many secondary losses when I learned Kellen's diagnosis then again when he passed away; my innocence, my identity, my purpose- just to name a few. I now know how fragile carrying a baby can be. I can't go back before my loss and feel the same about pregnancy again. My excitement will always be tainted with fear and anxiety. 
On some days I still struggle with lack of direction. I was going to be a mom to a little boy but he is no longer with me... so who am I now? I know I am not the same person I was before Kellen came into my life. His absence left a massive void in my heart and nothing could ever really fill it. 
Remembering our time together fills my life with more love and through his presence I gained more compassion and understanding for the hurting. My life is fuller because I knew Kellen.

Capture Your Grief - Day 15 - Wave of Light

Wave of Light is a unique way to unite grieving families by remembering their babies. At 7 pm on October 15th families light candles so there is a continuous 'wave of light' around the world honoring each life.
In October 1988, President Ronald Reagan declared October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month saying, "When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them."

Wes and I, along with my sister and her family attended a special 'Walk to Remember' held in Boise. Families met at the capital building and walked to the St. Lukes Conference Center. At 7 pm a candle was lit and touching poems were read. Families took turns saying the names of their children and we all carried glow sticks on our walk. At the conference center a poem was read and we wrote special notes to hang on a wreath. We talked, ate, laughed and cried remembering each little life not with us. It was a beautiful way to commemorate this month. 

Owen ((and Kellen))

Capture Your Grief - Day 13 - Regrets & Triggers

Capture Your Grief - Day 12 - Normalizing Grief

I don't believe there is any 'normal' way to grieve. Some grieve similarly but there is no right or wrong way. In the beginning I couldn't go anywhere without a picture of Kellen with me. I needed a piece of him with me at all times. Later, I was gifted a beautiful keepsake necklace with Kellen's actual footprint engraved. It is an outward expression of my love and remembrance. I never take it off. And even though it's really just a piece of metal, it is so much more to me.
But still, almost 9 months later, I carry that original picture in my purse.

Capture Your Grief - Day 11 - Glow in the Woods

This day is about recognizing an organization or person that has been instrumental to your healing journey. I have found MANY amazing organizations and have had MANY people speak healing words into my life and I had a difficult time choosing just one.
Today though, I would like to honor Christina, who is the Perinatal Bereavement Coordinator at St. Alphonsus. Christina was the first person to reach out and give me the support I needed. I was about 29 weeks pregnant and had a million emotions. She called me on the phone and introduced herself. She didn't judge or offer platitudes, she helped me come up with a plan on what to do next and said she was there if I needed anything. At a time where I was so lost, so confused, and so heartbroken she helped me go on. And she continued to be there for me during my entire pregnancy, Kellen's birth, and beyond.

Capture Your Grief - Day 10 - Words

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

Capture Your Grief - Day 9 - Family

Family, to me, are the ones that stood by me on one of the hardest days of my life. 

Capture Your Grief - Day 8 - Wish List

My wish is to not allow Kellen's death to make me afraid or bitter. My wish is to treasure the time I have with the people I love. My wish is that Kellen's life, though it was short, will inspire and uplift others in their darkest moments.

Capture Your Grief - Day 6 - Books

This devotional has been my lifeline the past 8 months. ('Hope' by Nancy Guthrie). It has kept me connected to God through all of my anger, anxiety, frustration, and questioning. On days when I've felt I had nothing to say to God, I've opened this book and read healing words. It has prompted me to pray and open my Bible and actually receive what it has to say. 

Whether you are facing the death of a loved one, divorce, loss of a job, or any of life's disappointments, I highly recommend this book.

Capture Your Grief - Day 3 - In Honour

Kellen, while just on this

Earth for a short while, was

Loved deeply and made a

Lasting mark on our hearts

Ever present in our memories and

Never lost or forgotten 

Capture Your Grief - Day 2 - Intention

I intend to honor Kellen's life by not only remembering him but by striving to live my life in a way that would make him proud to call me 'mom'. I also intend to find joy in the little things like a beautiful flower or the changing leaves. Or maybe just the satisfaction of making it through a tough day. I also intend to start laughing again-- A real, truly happy laugh.

Coping vs. Healing

Hello friends and family! I was recently asked to be a guest writer on the "Healing, Hope and Wholeness" blog. My post explores the differences between healing and coping when dealing with a loss. I was very honored to share my heart. The link is below if you'd like to check it out!

http://hhwbook.com/guest-writer-diana-woods-coping-vs-heal…/

Capture Your Grief - Day 1 - Sunrise

Idaho, 7:43AM
It was very cloudy and a little overcast this morning. The sunrise wasn't especially beautiful or breathtaking, but it was pretty in its own way. At first I was disappointed that the sun was blocked by clouds but then I realized that this particular sunrise is a perfect reflection on where I'm at in my healing journey. Hope is starting to shine through the clouds.