Wrestling with Trust

A friend gave me a devotional called "The One Year Book of Hope" By Nancy Guthrie shortly after Kellen had passed. This book has daily one-page devotionals that have helped me tremendously. If you are experiencing any kind of loss in your life I recommend this book. It has helped me to keep the lines of communication open with God. In my human-ness I sometimes feel upset and angry because He didn't save Kellen.
Nancy writes in her book "Is it realistic to think that you and I can worship God, not after we've figured it all out, but as our initial reaction to loss in our lives? Job shows us it is. Worshiping God does not require that we understand or approve of what God has allowed into our lives; it simply requires a heart that desires to trust God and a will that is bent toward obedience to God regardless of our feelings."
Let that sink in. I did. For a couple days actually. I can still praise God because He has it all together. Even if I didn't like the outcome, He is still good. He still has a plan. I can still trust God in my brokenness, even if I don't understand.

Headstone

Kellen's headstone has arrived. I know it may seem strange but this was very exciting for me. Giving Kellen a beautiful headstone was one thing I could still do for him. Wes and I put a lot of thought into the stone and it turned out better than we could of imagined. It is perfect. 

Last week my sister, niece and I happened to be driving past the cemetery and my niece (who is four years old) pointed out the window and said to my sister "That's where Kellen's statue is, right Mom?" I'm not exactly sure why but this meant a lot to me. Maybe hearing her mention Kellen in our day to day conversation struck a chord in my heart. Even though he is gone he is still in our hearts.

Easter

People had told me that holidays (especially the first year of holidays) are really tough. For some reason I didn't really think this applied to Easter. Maybe because everyday is hard without Kellen and I constantly feel the emptiness inside of me.What I didn't think about was the commercialized part of Easter-- it's all about little kids in cute clothes hunting for eggs. It was difficult to see my niece and my friends' kids. I had to stay off of Facebook so I could make it through the day. I honestly love seeing all my friends' and families' kids but yesterday it was just too much. It's not that I'm jealous or upset that you are enjoying your family, it's just that I miss Kellen. I wonder what our lives would be like and what we would be doing if he was still here.
Easter is a celebration and even though I am walking on this path of grief I am still so overwhelmed by Jesus' saving grace. I am humbled that He would come to save me. Thank you Lord for sending your Son! Happy Resurrection Day everyone!

Patterns of Life

A couple days ago Wes and I received a special gift from the Saint Alphonsus Hospital staff. 

Below is a picture of the Patterns of Life Honorarium and Memorial which hangs in the Maternity Center. It is there to honor babies born at Saint Alphonsus.

They added a square to this beautiful memorial honoring Kellen's life. It was so amazing and emotional to see Kellen's name up there. Wes and I want to thank the hospital staff who were involved-- it really meant a lot to us.

One Foot in Front of the Other

How can I keep going knowing I will never see my dear son again this side of heaven? While other mothers are holding their babies close I visit mine at the cemetery. It's not fair. I keep replaying his life in my mind, wishing I could hold him one more time. Will this ache ever go away? Will there always be a part of my heart that feels empty?  

God, you have to be my strength. I can't do it. 

Please tell Kellen I love him.