Goodbye 2015

Christmas

Praise the Lord! A savior named Jesus was born to save the world! 

Christmas is a time of rejoicing the birth of the glorious Redeemer. This is truly something worth celebrating! Because Christmas is usually a time when families gather together to share special meals and give gifts to one another, I think a loved ones' absence can be greater felt. I usually love Christmastime but this year it seems that around every corner hides a reminder that Kellen is no longer here with me. (Not that I had forgotten).  It is like I have been going through the motions, trying to get in the 'holiday spirit' but I honestly just don't feel it this year. For me, this holiday season has been stressful and full of anxiety and no matter how hard I try I cannot seem to shake this empty feeling in my chest. Please don't get me wrong though, I have truly enjoyed spending time with my family and friends. It's just a different kind of Christmas this year.

I participated in a Christmas program earlier this month which was out of my comfort zone but I got to know some amazing people and will cherish the memories forever. The script was fantastic and the choir was beautiful. I pray that all who came were blessed. 

Thank You God for sending Your Son, for that is the true meaning of Christmas. 

 

Kellen's Ornaments

Since Weston and I got married we have always purchased (or made) a special ornament that had the year on it. In 2014 I made the ornament on the left and this year I made the one on the right.

New Tradition

A couple months ago I decided that Weston and I would start a new family tradition at Christmastime. We would give a gift to a child in need who would be around the same age as Kellen.

I am finding that the holidays can be a very difficult time when you are missing someone you love and as I was shopping in the toy department I felt that familiar sting of emptiness. Each toy I saw reminded of Kellen's absence.

So... 

I pretended for just a moment that I was shopping for a boy waiting for me at home. Perhaps he was with his daddy for the evening while I went to do some shopping. After I was done I would hurry home to get him to bed. After he had been given a bath and an appropriate amount of snuggling had been given I would read him a story and rock him to sleep. I would kiss him goodnight and then Wes and I would go quietly out to the living room and wrap his gifts... 

Okay. I know parenthood is not easy and not always fun but there is nothing I wouldn't give to be able to raise my child and see the curiosity and wonderment in his eyes...

I finished picking out a few toys, wiped a tear and came back to reality. 

My hope in doing this is that Kellen's memory can bring joy to others during the Christmas season. And it does my soul good to honor Kellen in this way.

Love and Blessings,

Diana

Christmas Tree

This year Weston and I tried something new. We cut down our own Christmas tree. This was a new adventure for us because although we always have a real tree we typically buy one at a store in town. We have always talked about cutting down our own tree but this year we actually did it. We had a fun time hanging out together and picking out the perfect tree. The only thing that could have made our day any better was if we had a little 11 month old boy with us. The weather was perfect and the views were beautiful. Check it out!

After we got home and trimmed the tree, I used the branches we cut to make a wreath to display at Kellen's grave.

Thankful

On a day when I don't feel grateful, thankful or cheery I will choose to see the good. Instead of laying in bed and covering up my head I will go out and see family and friends. I will survive- even if I'm just going through the motions. Maybe I sound a little dramatic but I want to be honest with you.

At times I am too blinded by the massive hole in my heart to recognize the joy of being alive. There is a constant emptiness where a little boy should be. Kellen would be 10 months old today if he was still with us and he would also be celebrating his first Thanksgiving. He is missing out on whole day of firsts- and so am I. I don't want to be bitter, I don't even want to be sad but today I feel the overwhelming emptiness more than ever. 

I have plenty to be thankful for. I really, truly do. I need to take a moment and recognize these things.

-God's never ending love and mercy

-An amazing, compassionate husband

-Loving family and wonderful friends

-New job

-A house to live in

-Food to eat

And to Kellen- I am so grateful that I got know you. I would rather live with the pain of losing you than to have never known you at all. I would never trade our time together to rid myself of the lifetime of heart break. I will remember the joy of seeing your tiny fingers and toes. I will remember hearing your soft cry for the first time. I will cherish the memories of each stroke of your cheek and every lullaby. I am grateful and honored I have the chance to love you for the rest of my life. 

For everyone out there missing someone special at the dinner table I want to encourage you and let you know you are not alone. You don't have to be happy but there can be joy in the midst of pain- We just have to choose to see it. Be nice to yourself today. Love and blessings to you all.

Capture Your Grief - Day 31 - Sunset

The last day of this project ends with a sunset. This past month has been a healing time of remembering for me.
Love you always Kellen. No matter where you are my love will find you.

Capture Your Grief - Day 23 - Love Letters

Rewind to November 2014. I knew Kellen's diagnosis and had decided to start writing letters to him. I wanted to remember all our time together. I bought a nice journal on a busy shopping day and dubbed it my 'Kellen journal'. I began writing down all the memories we made together. I wrote about my hopes and dreams for the future. After his birth and death I continued writing to him. In my journal I tell him all the things I never got a chance to...

Capture Your Grief - Day 21 - Sacred Space

In our home a beautiful portrait of our sweet boy hangs prominently. The funeral home gifted us this lovely portrait of Kellen to have placed by the casket during his celebration. Afterwards I couldn't decide where to hang it. I finally chose the perfect spot - a corner in our living room right by the window. Later, I decided to hang shelf underneath so I could place mementos. I call this 'Kellen's Place'. He will never need his own room but he will always be a member of our family. This sacred space is an outward expression of the place he holds in our hearts.

Capture Your Grief - Day 19 - Music

Capture Your Grief - Day 17 - Secondary Losses

When Kellen died I didn't just lose a baby- I lost a bright eyed toddler learning to walk - I lost a little boy with messy hair on his first day of school - I lost a teenager learning to be independent - I lost a young man on his graduation day - I lost a man on his wedding day - I lost a daughter-in-law and grandchildren - I lost a future with my son.

I experienced many secondary losses when I learned Kellen's diagnosis then again when he passed away; my innocence, my identity, my purpose- just to name a few. I now know how fragile carrying a baby can be. I can't go back before my loss and feel the same about pregnancy again. My excitement will always be tainted with fear and anxiety. 
On some days I still struggle with lack of direction. I was going to be a mom to a little boy but he is no longer with me... so who am I now? I know I am not the same person I was before Kellen came into my life. His absence left a massive void in my heart and nothing could ever really fill it. 
Remembering our time together fills my life with more love and through his presence I gained more compassion and understanding for the hurting. My life is fuller because I knew Kellen.

Capture Your Grief - Day 15 - Wave of Light

Wave of Light is a unique way to unite grieving families by remembering their babies. At 7 pm on October 15th families light candles so there is a continuous 'wave of light' around the world honoring each life.
In October 1988, President Ronald Reagan declared October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month saying, "When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them."

Wes and I, along with my sister and her family attended a special 'Walk to Remember' held in Boise. Families met at the capital building and walked to the St. Lukes Conference Center. At 7 pm a candle was lit and touching poems were read. Families took turns saying the names of their children and we all carried glow sticks on our walk. At the conference center a poem was read and we wrote special notes to hang on a wreath. We talked, ate, laughed and cried remembering each little life not with us. It was a beautiful way to commemorate this month. 

Owen ((and Kellen))

Capture Your Grief - Day 13 - Regrets & Triggers

Capture Your Grief - Day 12 - Normalizing Grief

I don't believe there is any 'normal' way to grieve. Some grieve similarly but there is no right or wrong way. In the beginning I couldn't go anywhere without a picture of Kellen with me. I needed a piece of him with me at all times. Later, I was gifted a beautiful keepsake necklace with Kellen's actual footprint engraved. It is an outward expression of my love and remembrance. I never take it off. And even though it's really just a piece of metal, it is so much more to me.
But still, almost 9 months later, I carry that original picture in my purse.

Capture Your Grief - Day 11 - Glow in the Woods

This day is about recognizing an organization or person that has been instrumental to your healing journey. I have found MANY amazing organizations and have had MANY people speak healing words into my life and I had a difficult time choosing just one.
Today though, I would like to honor Christina, who is the Perinatal Bereavement Coordinator at St. Alphonsus. Christina was the first person to reach out and give me the support I needed. I was about 29 weeks pregnant and had a million emotions. She called me on the phone and introduced herself. She didn't judge or offer platitudes, she helped me come up with a plan on what to do next and said she was there if I needed anything. At a time where I was so lost, so confused, and so heartbroken she helped me go on. And she continued to be there for me during my entire pregnancy, Kellen's birth, and beyond.

Capture Your Grief - Day 10 - Words

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

Capture Your Grief - Day 9 - Family

Family, to me, are the ones that stood by me on one of the hardest days of my life. 

Capture Your Grief - Day 8 - Wish List

My wish is to not allow Kellen's death to make me afraid or bitter. My wish is to treasure the time I have with the people I love. My wish is that Kellen's life, though it was short, will inspire and uplift others in their darkest moments.

Capture Your Grief - Day 6 - Books

This devotional has been my lifeline the past 8 months. ('Hope' by Nancy Guthrie). It has kept me connected to God through all of my anger, anxiety, frustration, and questioning. On days when I've felt I had nothing to say to God, I've opened this book and read healing words. It has prompted me to pray and open my Bible and actually receive what it has to say. 

Whether you are facing the death of a loved one, divorce, loss of a job, or any of life's disappointments, I highly recommend this book.

Capture Your Grief - Day 3 - In Honour

Kellen, while just on this

Earth for a short while, was

Loved deeply and made a

Lasting mark on our hearts

Ever present in our memories and

Never lost or forgotten 

Capture Your Grief - Day 2 - Intention

I intend to honor Kellen's life by not only remembering him but by striving to live my life in a way that would make him proud to call me 'mom'. I also intend to find joy in the little things like a beautiful flower or the changing leaves. Or maybe just the satisfaction of making it through a tough day. I also intend to start laughing again-- A real, truly happy laugh.

Coping vs. Healing

Hello friends and family! I was recently asked to be a guest writer on the "Healing, Hope and Wholeness" blog. My post explores the differences between healing and coping when dealing with a loss. I was very honored to share my heart. The link is below if you'd like to check it out!

http://hhwbook.com/guest-writer-diana-woods-coping-vs-heal…/

Capture Your Grief - Day 1 - Sunrise

Idaho, 7:43AM
It was very cloudy and a little overcast this morning. The sunrise wasn't especially beautiful or breathtaking, but it was pretty in its own way. At first I was disappointed that the sun was blocked by clouds but then I realized that this particular sunrise is a perfect reflection on where I'm at in my healing journey. Hope is starting to shine through the clouds.

'Capture Your Grief'

Hello friends! In honor of October's Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month I have decided to participate in a healing project called 'Capture your grief' by CarlyMarie Project Heal. Basically, it is a 31-day healing project through photos, reflection and story telling. There are 31 subject prompts and individuals are encouraged to post photos and thoughts on social media although it is perfectly fine to keep a private journal as well. CarlyMarie suggests posting on the 'Capture Your Grief' Facebook page or on a personal blog. There are really no rules except to respect what others post and find 'what heals you'. I've decided that I will post as I feel comfortable--some days I may just post a photo while others I might share something a little more personal. If I start to feel overwhelmed I've given myself permission to miss days and not feel guilty. If you would like to join me or
find out more about this project, click Here.

"Healing, Hope & Wholeness"

These are three beautiful words when you are walking your journey of grief. Recently a dear friend of mine wrote an amazing book titled "Healing, Hope & Wholeness". Through this book she courageously shares her journey of finding hope after the loss of her mother. I love how she is honest and open in her healing journey. Even though her loss is different than mine and our stories are very different, I found myself relating to so much of what she wrote in her book. I would like to share a few passages from her book that really impacted and inspired me:

"There are good and bad days-- you have to take them all, whether you want to or not. Because all of them make you stronger, make you thankful, make you rely on the Lord, and make you you. The beginning of healing, hope and wholeness is accepting that you will have multiple ups and downs and to give yourself grace."

"Ultimately, I was grieving the loss of the future. What I once pictured nonchalantly wasn't possible anymore."

"After a heart has been broken, I picture it being in hundreds of puzzle pieces. With every vulnerable moment, healthy reflection, moments of perseverance, verbal processing, some good cries, some acknowledgement, the Lord's healing, and hard decisions,the puzzle pieces of your broken heart start coming together. One by one, your heartbeats become fiercer. One by one, you start to realize that you don't want to survive-- you want to thrive. I don't see the pieces ever running out. There will always be pieces to mend and healing to walk through. But maybe the pieces are getting smaller and your drive is getting greater?"

This last passage really struck some chords in my heart. Maybe I'm not "there" yet but some pieces are starting to fall back into place... It really is a day by day, moment by moment journey. There is so much pain and heartache in this world and I found this book to be a light. She tells her story with hope and grace and I highly recommend it to anyone who has loved and lost.

Check out Ceci's blog or purchase her book at http://hhwbook.com/

Recorded in Your book

I was reading today in my devotional how everyday was written in God's book. The author was using Psalm 139:16-17 which says "You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God!"
Even the day Kellen passed was written down in His book. When I stop to really think about that I realize how sovereign our God is. Even the day Kellen was conceived and his chromosomes were written were in the book. God knew all. I will not lie and say that God knowing and not intervening never makes me disappointed or even angry... I still wrestle with the "whys?"
But, I know that this was God's plan for Kellen's life and Kellen had a beautiful life.
Yes, Kellen's death seems like a tragedy at times... A baby gone too soon.
But, his life had meaning. His life had purpose. And he is not forgotten.
The day we learned Kellen wasn't well was written in the book too. As well as all the days walking through heartache, anxiety, and fear of the unknown. He had it all written in the book. This was His plan. Kellen's life and death is slowly shaping and molding me into the person God planned me to be. It's difficult and not always pretty but I am a better person because I knew Kellen.
Yesterday was September 11th and I think how that horrific day was recorded in the book too. I think about all the fathers, mothers, sons, daughters, aunts, uncles and grandparents grieving for their loved ones. My heart hurts for them. They are not forgotten.

Scooters

This post was a long time coming ;)

Every year in May Weston volunteers to help with Scooter's Youth Hunting Camp. 

If you haven't heard of Scooter's Youth Hunting Camp its philosophy is "Introducing the Next Generation of Outdoorsmen to the Wilds of Idaho." It is a fantastic camp run by AMAZING people. The camp is totally free for kids ages 9-16. If you have met Wes, you know he has a serious passion for duck/goose hunting and he especially loves sharing that passion with kids.

During the camp there is a silent auction that helps provide funds for the following year. Mostly parents, volunteers and sponsors bid on these items. This year there was a special item up for bid donated in memory of Kellen. Wes and I had no idea this was being donated and were very touched. I know Wes has always imagined taking our kids hunting and teaching them how to blow a duck/goose call and to shoot. This camp is very close to his heart. It was great feeling knowing that Kellen was remembered at this camp, even though he will never attend in person. 

Thank you to the 'Orange Army' and Scott for organizing a fantastic event for our youth! And Thank You to the person who gave in honor of our precious Kellen. It truly meant so much to us!

Check out the camp here -------> Scooter's Youth Hunting Camp

July

Hello, it's been awhile...
July has been a very hard and busy month for me--but also really great and wonderful.

1.) I started back to work full time. I had been part time since February 23 and it was time to get back into it. This was a big deal for me. I have had good days and bad days but I am so grateful for the job I have and the wonderful people I work with. Sometimes I feel like I say or do the wrong thing and I sincerely hope they know I value each and every one of them. I apologize if I am awkward or speak too quickly at times. Please know it is not you, it's me. (And not in a cliche way). I am working on this area.

2.) Fourth of July. We had a BBQ at my parents house and watched fireworks in the street. It was a fun time. I had a little bit of anxiety about this holiday and it's hard to explain. Last year on the fourth of July we watched fireworks at the cemetery (it sits on a hill overlooking our town and the fireworks are beautiful from that point of view) I remember sitting next to Weston's dad and saying "everything is going to be different next year" referring to baby. Little did I know that everything was going to be different... just not in the way I expected.

3.) My handsome nephew was born! Let me introduce you to Owen Samuel Kellen Hill. Did you catch that? How sweet for my sis to name her baby after Kellen. Wes and I were both so touched! He is a perfect, healthy little guy who looks a lot like his dad.
His birth has also brought up some emotions for myself (as I'm sure you can guess). But the bottom line is I am so overjoyed to have a little nephew to cuddle. 

Payton and I had a fun morning waiting for brother to be born. We had breakfast at the park, fed some squirrels, and played on the swings. I asked her what she thought her parents would name her baby brother and she thought for a moment and said "Kellen!" I explained to her that Kellen was Kellen's name and they would probably pick a different name. She was quiet for a few seconds and then said softly, "I wish Kellen was here.... I would push him on the baby swings". "Me too" I said. 

3.) Weston and I had our five year anniversary! Yes, five years! Time has just flown by and there is no one else I would rather be with! One of Weston's friends gifted us with a room at a hotel and we had a wonderful time. So grateful for that time away.

Our engagement photo <3

4.) I went to Jackson Hole, WY for work. Honestly, I was ready for a change of scenery and the training that we received was great. It was nice to leave town for a little while but at the same time hard to be gone... does that make sense?

5.) Six month anniversary of Kellen's birth. July 26. This was a big deal. I think about what he would look like and what milestones he would be reaching if he had been healthy. I wonder how our life would have been different if he was still with us.

6.) Six month anniversary of Kellen's death. July 29. Also my birthday. A lot of conflicting emotions. Nevertheless I felt very loved by all my friends and family. Thank you for making it a good day. 

I have come to realize this past month that I am still just a shell of a person, walking through my life in a daze. I thought six months down the road I would be more okay than I am. Don't get me wrong, some days I am good. I believe things will get better and life will seem brighter but for now I just need to make it through. It won't be this hard forever. I've got a healer on my side.

Resources

I have found many wonderful resources during the last few months. This list will be ongoing so I will be editing as I discover more amazing resources. 

Organizations:

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep: Remembrance photography for parents suffering he loss of a child. 

Sufficient Grace Ministries: A ministry designed to offer hope and encouragement to women dealing with the loss of a child.

Allison's Angel Gowns: Beautiful burial gowns made for infants from wedding dresses. 


Websites and Blogs:

She Brings Joy

All That Love Can Do

Still Standing Magazine


Books (I have read or am currently reading):

A Gift of Time: Continuing Your Pregnancy When Your Baby's Life Is Expected to Be Brief by Amy Kuebelbeck and Debra L. Davis

Waiting With Gabriel by Amy Kuebelbeck

Couple Communication After a Baby Dies by Sherokee Ilse and Tim Nelson

One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie

Angel Unaware by Dale Evans Rogers

Healing, Hope & Wholeness by Ceci Frost


Books (I would like to read): 

Choosing to SEE: A Journey of Struggle and Hope by Mary Beth Chapman and Ellen Vaughn

Gone But Not Lost: Grieving the Death of a Child by David W. Wiersbe

Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg


Projects:

Capture Your Grief by CarlyMarie Project Heal


If you have any suggestions you would like to add please comment below. I will be editing this post from time to time to add more. I hope this is helpful to anyone currently grieving the loss of a child.

Needs

I saw this today and thought I would share. I relate to most of these and I think other grieving mothers can too.

Angel Garden Remembrance Ceremony

On May 16th my lovely friend Christina and the bereavement team at Saint Alphonsus organized a beautiful ceremony for families whose children were gone too soon. I was truly honored to be asked to speak at this heartfelt and healing ceremony. At first I wasn't sure I could share but something inside me said that this is something I need to do... I can do hard things in Kellen's memory. What I shared was very short and I had to read most of it because I wasn't sure I could make it through without crying.

These are the words I shared as well as some of the photos of the butterfly release:

"We are here today to remember and honor the precious lives of our dear children. Even though they are no longer with us we remember them lovingly every day. We cling to the memories we have. They were here and they had a purpose.

Through the great pain of losing them we have also experienced great joy. I have often told my husband I would do it all over again even for the same result and I’m sure you feel the same.

That little bit of time we shared meant the world to me. I never knew I could love that much. That love has given me greater understanding of God’s love for us and for that I am grateful.

Even though my son is no longer with me in person I carry his memory and his legacy in my heart. Our children’s lives are intertwined with ours; even though they are gone they are still a part of us and we are a part of them.

I have learned from my son that love is truly a gift that lasts beyond a lifetime.

Thank You for standing with me today in remembrance of all the precious lives that were gone too soon.

I would also like to give a special thanks to the doctors and staff at Saint Alphonsus for their amazing care and for arranging this beautiful ceremony."

(My niece, Payton)

It was a truly beautiful ceremony and I especially want to thank the thoughtful bereavement team as well as the Cloverdale cemetery.