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| Kellen's Birthday Flowers |
January was a rough month. The mental and emotional strain of Kellen's first Birthday ((and death day)) was taxing. I thought about how it should have been a joyous time had he been healthy and full of life. I thought about all the couldas, shouldas, and wouldas. I thought about the milestones he is not reaching and that he will never reach. I thought about how empty life can seem. I have not been positive or even remotely inspiring or fun to be around.
I just read the above paragraph and realized how depressing I sound.
Sorry. (Raising hand) Pity party of one.
But instead of deleting it I am going to leave it. I do not want you to get the impression I am something more than I am. I want to be real and honest. I haven't written lately because I didn't feel I had anything worthwhile to say. No guarantees this is going to be either but thanks for sticking with me anyways ;)
October/November of last year I started feeling hopeful again so why oh why did January have to come in like a gray, winter storm and ruin everything? The whole month I merely existed and tried not to get too involved in anything. It's like the energy had been sucked out of me like a vacuum picking up every last speck of dirt.
On a somewhat brighter note, when the day of Kellen's birthday finally came Weston and I survived the day well. We ended up doing something we had never done before. Well, something I had never done before and that he has only done a handful of times. We took an archery lesson and had a blast! On a day that could have been very depressing we had a great time hanging out with each other. Later in the evening we had dinner with our families and enjoyed each others companies. As the day drew to a close I realized I had more anxiety approaching his birthday than when the day actually came.
On the 29th, I spent time looking over all the photos we have and did some praying, crying and journaling. Later in the day we released balloons.... Watching the balloons float upwards took me back to Kellen's final moments... How great for him to leave his suffering and enter into God's eternal glory. He's free. He's no longer in pain. But for me left behind with empty arms the heartache continues. As I continued to stand there watching the balloons get smaller and smaller I felt a peace deep inside knowing I would see Kellen again.
This past year I've been knocked off my feet and I just haven't seemed to find my place yet. It's hard to believe it has really been this long... sometimes it feels like it was just last month. Then again, sometimes it feels like years.
*My advise to anyone approaching a grief anniversary is to make a plan. Know what you are going to do and who you are going to be with. And don't spend the whole day alone. *
February has now come and I feel like perhaps the fogginess of my depression is starting to lift. Not totally but I see some hope around the corner. Praise the Lord for his compassion towards me! I have been undeserving...
So it's one year later and am I okay? Maybe. Perhaps on some days. Is that okay? Is it okay not to be okay - even one year later?
