One Day at a Time

Everyday is hard.
Before I held my sweet Kellen and looked at his perfect face I never could of imagined the intense love and connection I felt with him. It was instant. Even though I knew beforehand that our time together may be short, nothing could have prepared me for saying goodbye (for now). 
No amount of time would ever be enough. 
Now I am left with a sick, sinking feeling in my stomach and an empty, aching feeling in my chest where my heart used to be. 
I feel so many emotions--numbness, anger, intense sorrow, emptiness, confusion and sometimes... joy. 
Yes, sometimes even joy. I know that Kellen is safe and loved in the arms of Jesus and there is no better place for him to be. I know that God is working all things together for good and I can cling to that. God is still a loving God and He hasn't forsaken me.  
I am proud to see how many lives were touched by Kellen's precious life. It brings me joy to hear others speak his name. He is so loved. His legacy still lives on here on earth through me... And through the people his life touched.
But I still ache for Kellen to be with me and I wonder to God why his time was so short. 

This song is able to put into words what I cannot:

 "You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times

And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again"

-Homesick by MercyMe