Anger in Healing

Healing.
It is not a thing you put on your to-do list and cross off when you've accomplished it - Even though I wish it was. It is a process that takes time... maybe your whole life. One thing I do know is that life is never the same. People have told me that eventually I will find a new "normal" but things never go back to the way they were before. People have also told me that I will have good days and bad days. But right now I feel as if I'm on a roller coaster. I have good moments and bad moments. I am thankful for the good because I desperately need hope. I am thankful for the bad too because the great pain I feel has also caused me the greatest joy.
My Pastor and dear friend told me something before Kellen was born that I have thought about several times over the last few months--"Think of grief as a room in your heart. You have to visit it but you cannot live there." Sometimes I am overwhelmed by my grief and decide to stay in that room a little too long. Sometimes I choose not to visit at all and the grief comes bursting out in another area of my life that I wish it hadn't. Both have consequences.
This past week I lived in that room. I felt lonely and isolated. I was an angry person and it showed. And putting my pride aside, I will admit that I acted like an unreasonable child- you know, the one at the store throwing a fit because they can't have a candy bar. Basically, I wanted everything my way and I didn't want to do anything help myself. I was bitter and said things I wish I hadn't. I didn't want to go anywhere or socialize with anyone.
I would be driving alone in my car and Kellen's death would hit me all over again. It felt like the air had been knocked out of me and I couldn't go on. It was like I was back in that hospital room holding my sweet baby boy in my arms and watching the life leave his tiny body. And I can never erase that from my mind and wake up from this nightmare.... But somehow I make it to my destination and put on a brave face. Sometimes not brave enough, because the people closest to you always know.
Today I feel like I am slowly walking out of the intense anger I felt last week but I still feel the lingering effects of my angry thoughts and actions. I was telling Wes Sunday night about how I shouldn't of said or done certain things and he just looked at me and said "It is all good babe, it is between you and God... nobody else". What an amazing man and husband. That is what I needed to hear. There is freedom knowing I messed up and it is okay. I am forgiven. God has washed it away. What a relief!