Capture Your Grief - Day 17 - Secondary Losses

When Kellen died I didn't just lose a baby- I lost a bright eyed toddler learning to walk - I lost a little boy with messy hair on his first day of school - I lost a teenager learning to be independent - I lost a young man on his graduation day - I lost a man on his wedding day - I lost a daughter-in-law and grandchildren - I lost a future with my son.

I experienced many secondary losses when I learned Kellen's diagnosis then again when he passed away; my innocence, my identity, my purpose- just to name a few. I now know how fragile carrying a baby can be. I can't go back before my loss and feel the same about pregnancy again. My excitement will always be tainted with fear and anxiety. 
On some days I still struggle with lack of direction. I was going to be a mom to a little boy but he is no longer with me... so who am I now? I know I am not the same person I was before Kellen came into my life. His absence left a massive void in my heart and nothing could ever really fill it. 
Remembering our time together fills my life with more love and through his presence I gained more compassion and understanding for the hurting. My life is fuller because I knew Kellen.